How Do You Help Your Daughter - and Family - Manage Sibling Rivalry?

by: Elizabeth Donovan from Parenting Pink

It’s about that time of day again, when the screaming, yelling, hitting, and the ever-so-popular hair-pulling, drowns out any chance you had to make dinner- or keep your sanity. “She hit me first mom!” is usually followed by “She started it!” By the end of a busy day, your patience is wearing thin and you may find yourself suddenly having the desire to jump in the car and drive somewhere far, far away from the chaos.

Sibling rivalry is part of the deal parents sign when they enlist in having more than one child. It’s as common as apple pie and juice boxes in every American household across the United States – and the world for that matter. Developmentally, sibling conflicts are necessary for children to learn how to compromise and work through their differences – characteristics that will serve them well throughout their lives. But just because it’s “good for girls” to settle their sisterly differences doesn’t mean that every fight is healthy or that tired, overworked parents want to deal with constant bickering from the moment they step foot in the house.

So try these battle-tested tactics to help call an end (or near end) to girl fights.

Calling a Truce:

* Teach girls to settle things on their own. Encourage your children to work things out without your intervention. Let them know ahead of time that this is the expectation and that there is to be no hitting, biting, property damage, or name calling. The more you get entrenched in the argument, the more your children will call for you to solve their problems. Parents should not referee unless the disagreement turns physical.

* Fair is Fair. Remain a neutral country– like Sweden. Your girls will come to you with the “who started it first” argument to try to persuade you to take sides. Don’t buy into it. Treat your children fairly. Try to ask each one to listen to the other’s complaint. Help them discuss the issue together, but do not take sides unless there is a blatant violation of the rules. By remaining neutral, you can better help your children learn how to work through their differences by coming to a solution that is their own.

* Set Ground Rules. While it’s important to allow your children to settle their differences on their own, there should also be ground rules for arguments. You should never allow your children to hit, pinch, damage property (such as breaking items), or call each other names. If this occurs, step in immediately. Such behavior can potentially damage a child’s self esteem.

* Seeing is Believing. Children often imitate what they’ve been taught at home. Be aware of how you argue in front of your children. If they see the occasional fight that ends peacefully, that’s fine, but refrain from screaming, cursing, or getting physical. Your daughter will follow your example, so set a good one.

* Encourage Cooperation. Play games and do projects as a family. Talk with your children about the benefits of cooperating with each other.

* Forgo Favoritism. When punishing your children, it should be done as a group instead of individually. Most of the time it’s impossible to tell who started the argument and choosing a side will only serve to promote sibling rivalry by showing favoritism. If one gets sent to her room, then the other child should too. Resist their pleas of “it’s not fair.” Treating them equally is the fairest thing you can do.

* Give them kudos when they cooperate. It’s important to praise your children when they share and get along together. Let them know that you are proud of their behavior and give them lots of attention for it.