The Transformation Of Paternity
There is always talk of how intense the experience of motherhood is, but sometimes parents stay in the background. Of course, the mother-baby dyad is the center, and they must have time and conditions to fall in love, to create the bond. But what happens to dad? He loves his baby, but when he is born, he begins his mutual discovery.
What Happens To Dad?
Parents feel that a great weight falls on them; they must nurture, care, protect, and support their wife and that puppy that has just arrived. But our current life does not make it easy, and it is unnatural that a single person should take care of all that. Where is the tribe to support him? Who can you share your deepest emotions, sometimes not so politically correct?
Just as when a baby is born, the woman becomes a mother, the man becomes a father. But he starts with some disadvantages: no matter how close that father is, no matter how much he wants it, no matter how many 3D ultrasounds he has in his wallet, many songs he has written for his baby … that son is a true stranger until he arrives at the world.
They meet for the first time at birth. They need time to get to know each other, fall in love, and find each one their space. The father does not enjoy the cocktail of birth hormones, nor has he felt this being inside his body. There has been no natural emotional fusion with the baby.
It starts from scratch, no matter how well you have, and you need your time … And that time coincides with the moment of greatest need for emotional support from your female who is now another person, who has another high priority and is submerged in the immense ocean of motherhood, in the deepest depths you’ll ever know.
And so, lost, alone, men must support us, accompany us without understanding anything, without true references, without knowing if they are doing well or what is expected of them. And, almost always, without an intimate space to open wide, without a network that understands without judging. A place, brothers where to undress and show their most intimate feelings, were to be himself without measuring, without censoring his words, his gestures, his crying, his laughter.
As with most women, men reach paternity without a clear reference to look at. Many have had absent parents, all day outside, working to support the family, but unable to express emotions without saying I love you every day. Many have grown up receiving the message that emotions are a thing of girls, and men do not cry, to which I imagine that they add neither love, nor kiss, nor get excited…, they are automatons of work, distance, and coldness.
Just as a woman does not become a mother just for giving birth, a man does not become a father just for giving birth.
Of course, each case is different, and luckily, there have always been men with a well-placed female part, capable of filling themselves and theirs with love and caresses, but they are not the general rule.
It is not surprising that many men, already in pregnancy, feel an uncontrollable need to flee, to cling to the life they leave behind … and become lost teenagers. What is happening is too big, they cannot put words to their sensations, to the inner storm full of nuances and colors … and they flee, they escape as they can.